For those who think they know me...you may know nothing at all

Like the title says, you may know nothing at all. So let me fill you in.

I love my wife Nicole, son Porter, and soon to be newborn son Hudson, more than words can describe. I do not always show my feelings or share them as much as I should. I internalize everything, usually until I can't take anymore then I let everything spew out at once. My wife has put up with many things over the years and in turn I have done the same. Because of this we are stronger for it, we have our ups and downs like everybody else and that is OK.

I admit that I have a drinking problem, I have issues with anger (absolutely never taken out against my family), depression, and friendships. I don't have what I would consider many true friends. Oh I know a lot of people and have many acquaintances, but not many true friends. I don't even need a full hand to count them on. So, what do I do when one of those chosen few turns out to not really reciprocate that friendship? I don't know, but that is what I'm faced with right now. I don't have the gift that my wife has of having a lot of good friends, so when I do decide to call someone my friend I mean it sincerely. And when things turn out to not but what I thought they were it cuts very very deeply.

When I grew up I had many friends that turned out not to be, one was even close enough to be a brother. I was expelled from high school for what they said was a weapon on campus, and under the new state law that took effect that year I got to be the example. I defended myself against three other guys that were coming after me (one fresh out of jail) so I pulled out an extension for the jack for my car and said if you touch me I will defend myself. The police were called by a parent who was driving by in the parking lot, they said that since it was at my side and not in the air in a threatening way there was nothing that they could do. The school expelled me anyway and only two people out of all of my friends came to the hearing to speak on my behalf. My best friend was not one of them. We went our separate ways, as I chose to straighten my life out and he did not.

Alcohol will make you do very strange and stupid things and when you add depression into the mix you will learn the hard and painful lessons of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, and many other things. I said before that I have a drinking problem. I started when I was 13 and drank all the way through school. Sometimes before and even during school. I will still have an occasional beer, but I can't drink hard stuff because I won't stop. I will test myself every once in a while; but I do things my own way and if you don't like it quit reading.

I try to vent my frustrations to those who are my true friends because they know what I've been through and try very hard not to judge. But apparently that has come back to bite me in the ass as well as many other things. I am not proud of certain things that I have done in my life, but I do live with them.

I love sports and when I coached basketball for those 3 years I found it to be a second chance to share my mistakes with kids that I would be influencing and to show them what not to do. I try to learn from my mistakes and teach from my past but there are always those few who judge and condemn you for what they hear, not what they know. I tried to open myself up to friendships again and thought that I had found another friend (or two) but I accidentally found out that I was just part of the package. I won't make that mistake again but I will say that I am sorry to those that I made feel uncomfortable or embarrassed(?).

I care deeply for family and want desperately to have friendships that are like family but it's very hard for that to happen when the honesty only goes one way. If I am one way to your face, then that is how I am when you are not there. That is all I ask in return, but in today's day and age that just doesn't happen. Maybe I'm old fashioned like my dad in that way but I won't have it any other way.

I admit that I have qualities that not everybody likes, but my wife and son love me anyway and so do my true friends. They know that I will always be there for them, that I will be honest with them whether they like what I am saying or not, and do anything for them regardless of the effects that it may have on me.

To my family, especially Nic and Porter, I love you. And to my true friends, I love you to and thank you for accepting me for me.

How can this be?

How can the Lions have such a scary array of talent and suck so bad? Can anyone out there tell me?

My average day

Be at work by 6 am, work until 3pm usually taking a 1/2 lunch, and when I get home on the nights that I don't have class I hear "he's all yours and I watch my wife disappear into the basement. I do almost all of the cooking, except for desserts. And by the time P-man goes to bed I am physically worn out, at some point I need a break to just sit. This is when I get told I'm lazy, because lord knows I'm not allowed to be tired or have a headache or body ache or anything like that. I somehow even got talked into REMODELING our bathroom and redoing the plumbing as well all while taking three classes at night. I wonder why the drywall has not been sanded before today while working overtime every saturday and having Thanksgiving in there. Don't take me wrong I love my wife and son more than anything, but damn when do I get some help?

Question for the guys

Hey guys, do your wives seem to have "another" life online or is it just mine. I mean do they dump stuff onto you to do, and then you find them online blogging or e-mailing. Do you find yourself falling way down their list of priorities, you know behind kids( of coarse the kids I'm not that dumb) friends, blogs, shopping, phone calls, work and blogging again, sleep. Please let me know so I can find out if I'm the only one. You see my wife has me on priority # 12 or so, and guys we all know that we can't exactly just come out and talk to our wives about problems, we have to try to fix them ourselves or ignore them until we can't anymore. I know how that sounds but it is the truth for all of you women out there. I finally tried to talk to mine and for five strait days I was blown off. Well today we had a house showing and every time we have one the entire house is my responsibility. I finally had enough today and got pissed. I was ignored(she did say the house looked good though). She and Porter went to church for the early service. Usually no biggie but today she stayed for all of them and helped in the nursery. I have two final exams this coming week and homework for my cad class that has to be finished. Knowing all of this she decided not to come home until about one pm. She did manage to call on the way home so I could make them lunch. Great more dishes just what I need. Porter didn't nap again so guess who got him out of bed and played with him while someone was downstairs online. Time to go we have a showing, guys you will feel me on this one, the phone rings and of coarse she answers it and starts chating away. I get Porter ready(like I did for church this am because someone got to sleep in until 20 minutes before they left) the dogs have to be loaded into the durango and it is absolutely pouring outside. We get down to her moms house only a few blocks away and she says she doesn't want to wait there for the half hour she wants to take P-man to the Toy-House which was no big deal except for all of the HOMEWORK that I still have. We finally get home. Yes the rest of the night to get MY stuff done. RIGHT out comes the laptop in the living room and the internet comes up. I sit down at my computer and check my e-mail and I hear why don't you go to the store and get some meat to make tacos for dinner. Go figure something else to do. And she wonders why I had a drink tonight. For those of you who know my back ground in this area I don't want to hear it. I love my wife to death but I made a decision that I was going to have on to chill myself out . Nicole does let me drink beer but I promised that I wouldn't touch the hard stuff again. I broke that promise tonight. I guess I'm looking for comments from the guys out there on what they do to deal with their significant others when they can't take anymore and are driven to do things that they may later regret.

That's right

Moms aren't the only ones who can do this shit. Why can't we have our own thing to go to for advice, talk sports, women, and whatever else.