For those who think they know me...you may know nothing at all

Like the title says, you may know nothing at all. So let me fill you in.

I love my wife Nicole, son Porter, and soon to be newborn son Hudson, more than words can describe. I do not always show my feelings or share them as much as I should. I internalize everything, usually until I can't take anymore then I let everything spew out at once. My wife has put up with many things over the years and in turn I have done the same. Because of this we are stronger for it, we have our ups and downs like everybody else and that is OK.

I admit that I have a drinking problem, I have issues with anger (absolutely never taken out against my family), depression, and friendships. I don't have what I would consider many true friends. Oh I know a lot of people and have many acquaintances, but not many true friends. I don't even need a full hand to count them on. So, what do I do when one of those chosen few turns out to not really reciprocate that friendship? I don't know, but that is what I'm faced with right now. I don't have the gift that my wife has of having a lot of good friends, so when I do decide to call someone my friend I mean it sincerely. And when things turn out to not but what I thought they were it cuts very very deeply.

When I grew up I had many friends that turned out not to be, one was even close enough to be a brother. I was expelled from high school for what they said was a weapon on campus, and under the new state law that took effect that year I got to be the example. I defended myself against three other guys that were coming after me (one fresh out of jail) so I pulled out an extension for the jack for my car and said if you touch me I will defend myself. The police were called by a parent who was driving by in the parking lot, they said that since it was at my side and not in the air in a threatening way there was nothing that they could do. The school expelled me anyway and only two people out of all of my friends came to the hearing to speak on my behalf. My best friend was not one of them. We went our separate ways, as I chose to straighten my life out and he did not.

Alcohol will make you do very strange and stupid things and when you add depression into the mix you will learn the hard and painful lessons of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, and many other things. I said before that I have a drinking problem. I started when I was 13 and drank all the way through school. Sometimes before and even during school. I will still have an occasional beer, but I can't drink hard stuff because I won't stop. I will test myself every once in a while; but I do things my own way and if you don't like it quit reading.

I try to vent my frustrations to those who are my true friends because they know what I've been through and try very hard not to judge. But apparently that has come back to bite me in the ass as well as many other things. I am not proud of certain things that I have done in my life, but I do live with them.

I love sports and when I coached basketball for those 3 years I found it to be a second chance to share my mistakes with kids that I would be influencing and to show them what not to do. I try to learn from my mistakes and teach from my past but there are always those few who judge and condemn you for what they hear, not what they know. I tried to open myself up to friendships again and thought that I had found another friend (or two) but I accidentally found out that I was just part of the package. I won't make that mistake again but I will say that I am sorry to those that I made feel uncomfortable or embarrassed(?).

I care deeply for family and want desperately to have friendships that are like family but it's very hard for that to happen when the honesty only goes one way. If I am one way to your face, then that is how I am when you are not there. That is all I ask in return, but in today's day and age that just doesn't happen. Maybe I'm old fashioned like my dad in that way but I won't have it any other way.

I admit that I have qualities that not everybody likes, but my wife and son love me anyway and so do my true friends. They know that I will always be there for them, that I will be honest with them whether they like what I am saying or not, and do anything for them regardless of the effects that it may have on me.

To my family, especially Nic and Porter, I love you. And to my true friends, I love you to and thank you for accepting me for me.